Can't Find My Words

   I really wanted to start blogging... I was enjoying reading all of my friends posts and posts of those I didn't know and thought, I could do that. I could talk about my life and give words of wisdom or kindness, or just try to make someone laugh. I always have things on my mind that I feel would be better expressed written or just might make more sense once given to the universe... but I can't. For some reason the words just don't come to me, I don't know what to say.
   I have been struggling internally, a lot of things going on and I just can't find the words. I can't verbalize how I feel, and I can't write how I feel. Some would probably call it writers block, however its more of a mental block. I just feel lost. I pray everyday and strive to find ways to do the things that make me the happiest. Being with my kids makes me happy... and so I plan every day of fun things to do with them, but at the end of the day I still feel.... lost for words.
   I know this is short and I haven't been updating like I should, but I will try harder. I think if I can get started my words will flow.. but until then I will continue to pray and just try to be happy.

God Works in Mysterious Ways

I know this is often said for many different circumstances, however I do believe God intervened in my life this week.

Two weeks ago my mother in law was hospitalized with pneumonia and sepsis (staph in the blood). She is doing much better, however has to stay in the hospital for 4 weeks on an IV antibiotic regiment. Those who know me know that my mother in law is instrumental in my life. She is a widow and lives very close to us.. her whole life is her grandchildren. She is always available to keep our kids and has often dropped everything to help or ran over in the middle of the night when an ER visit for someone in our household was warranted. She is amazing, but with her in the hospital she has been unavailable.

I went back to work 5 weeks ago from having a baby and my hysterectomy and this week I was suppose to travel for 3 days. I had anxiety about leaving the baby for the first time and how my husband was going to handle both kids. He has not had both kids at the same time for a long period of time, or overnight by himself. I wasn't sure how this was going to go. We discussed it over the weekend and I made plans for a friend to help out some and we prayed for the best. On Monday morning I woke up with a horrible pain in my chest. I felt like I was having a heart attack! I knew what it was and knew we had to pack the kids up and head to the ER. I have pancreatitis, and since being diagnosed with it during pregnancy, this was my second flare up. I knew it wasn't going to go away with out serious pain meds. It can also be fatal so an ultrasound has to be done to ensure that there is not a blockage or stone in the bile duct. Although the blood work came back really with really high enzyme levels, the ultrasound showed that what was possibly in there had passed. So outcome, pain meds and a clear liquid diet for a few days to allow the inflammation to go down, oh and no traveling. "What?" I asked. "No, traveling. Believe it or not riding in the car, bouncing around, could cause it to remain inflamed" the Doctor said. I was nervous about telling my boss this because it was the first I was suppose to travel since being back from maternity leave. I got a note from the ER specifying that order and talked with my boss. She understood the situation, because come to find out, she has it too. She was well aware of the pain it caused and just asked that I get better. I am truly blessed to have the job I do and work with amazing people.

So I rested and worked from home on Monday and the same on Tuesday. Then Tuesday night the baby started getting sick, and my husband starting getting sick. The baby was up all night with congestion and fussiness and had a hard time taking a bottle. We made it through the night, husband went to work, feeling bad, but still went and I tended to the baby. Wednesday she threw up all day, remained congested and had a hard time sleeping. I took her to the doctor where we found she was slightly dehydrated and badly congested. Meds, pedialyte and a lot of love were in order the rest of the day. When my husband got home he wasn't feeling well so he helped with Big B getting him dinner and in the bath while I held the baby. Several times he tried holding her so I could eat and she only wanted mommy.  At one point she would not stop crying, I put her in the bath, calmed her down and then just held her until she went to sleep. It was another long night of up and down, nose suctioning and a lot of love.

I texted my boss at 10:00pm last night telling her that God works in mysterious ways. I now believe their was a higher power at work with the pancreatitis attack. I think he knew what was happening this week and needed to make sure that mommy was here to help take care of her sick family. He knows where we need to be at just the right time. I believe that everything happens for a reason. If I had not been sick myself on Monday, I would not be here to take care of baby J and Daddy D yesterday and today. Since my mom in law is unable to help us while she heals herself, I needed to be here. God is amazing and I love him. I truly am a mom with it all!

Happy Mothers Day!

   Mother's day is such an amazing day for me, especially this year, as I was blessed with my second and last child. I didn't think, or know if I would ever have these children. I struggled with infertility, as I have discussed before, and I am so blessed to have my two beautiful children. Because of them I get to celebrate this day with lots of amazingly beautiful women.  I am so honored.
   Now with all that said, we tend to expect some sort of gift for mothers day. Something that says the pain we beared while carrying you for 9 long months and laboring for 36 long hours before having an emergency c section, is remembered every year (as well as on their birthday)!I am sure all of you mothers have gotten some really great gifts, and some really not so great gifts, and honestly my husband is not always the best gift giver, however this year I received a gift certificate to Cheeburger Cheeburger! I love their German Chocolate Cake Shakes and trek over there once a week to get one. I really liked that he noticed that and got me something I could use!
    My very first mothers day was initially a different story. I woke up and had no mothers day card or gift. Almost no acknowledgement of this first special day for me. He pretty much knew it too because he immediately got out of bed, still thinking I was asleep and left. He was gone for a long time. I stewed upset and thinking of all the mean things I could say to him when he returned. After a couple of hours had passed, he came home with my son and a card he gave me. What started out as the worst mothers day, turned out to be my most favorite and memorable. To this day the poem, inside the card that Daddy D wrote still makes me tear up. So I leave you with my first mother's day present and hope that all you mothers out there had a wonderful day celebrating your awesomeness!

For Mommy With Love
Written by Daddy Thoughts provided by Bryce James

If I could make the words to say,
I'd tell you Happy Mother's Day.
I can't make the words, so I'll just smile,
While daddy writes my thoughts awhile.
When I was in your tummy growing,
My daddy says people said, "Hey, you're showing!"
So when I grew bigger in there, I was too tight!
So I punched and kicked with all my might!
Daddy says I was Strong and cute,
And I was getting ready to drop down the chute!
But to my surprise there came fingers big and curly,
They pulled me out a whole month early!
So I gasped and cried my little lungs to the max,
So hard, daddy called it a pneumothorax!
I scared you by staying in the incubator,
And you couldn't even hold me until a few days later.
When you held me first, I heard you speaking,
So I looked and saw, "Hey mom, your eyes are leaking!"
But daddy said they were tears of joy,
'Cause I was her new baby boy!
I laugh and grin when you call me "doodlebug",
'Cause I know I get some kisses and hugs!
And those are what I love the most,
Here at home or on the Florida coast!
I travel so much in my new little life,
So full of tough and struggling strife.
But I know it will make me bigger and stronger,
So I can see all my grandmas and grandpas longer!
I get so much love from so many places,
So many kisses and hugs from so many faces!
But yours are the best and I can't get enough,
Even when I'm older and acting all tough!
I'll still need your kisses and hugs and protection,
From all of my future let downs and rejections!
Daddy will be there too, and that's great!
But mommy's are the best ones even when its late!
And when I play baseball as good as my cousin,
I'll be hitting home runs by the dozen!
I'll grow stronger like you and daddy are,
And I'll become a big shot baseball star,
Or how about a football or basketball player?
A doctor, a lawyer, or even city mayor?
What ever I'll be, I know it will show,
Wherever I am, and wherever I go.
That I have the best mommy in world ever,
And a dad whose forgetful but sometimes clever.
After all he wrote these words that rhyme,
From the things that I'm thinking all of the time!
So I'll thin k it again so dad Can convey,
All the love and hugs that I display.
And if I could make the words, I'd be glad to say,
"I love you Mommy, Happy Mothers Day!"

One Hot Mama!

    Last April (2010) I had an abnormal pap smear, it turned out to be nothing to be concerned with, however my obgyn strongly encouraged me to get a hysterectomy, it was time.
    When I was 16 years old I found out I had endometriosis. I have been struggling with this for many years, taking different medications and having several laparoscopies in hopes of controlling it. When I was 24 the doctor told me if I wanted to have kids I needed to start trying. I went home, talked to my soon to be husband at the time and made the decision that we would start trying. We tried naturally for several months with no luck. The doctors suggested fertility drugs. I took clomid for several months with no luck. We then decided to try IUI (Interuterine Insemination) we had two failed rounds and then success! Almost two years after we started trying we were expecting our first child! Big B was born on November 15, 2005. This day was very significant. He was due on my dads birthday December 11th, however came on November 15th, which is my moms birthday! It was also the first anniversary of my husbands dad's death. He had passed away November 15, 2004. He was 4 weeks early and had a really hard start at life, but he is now healthy and growing way to fast!
   After our son was born we weren't sure we were going to have any more kids. I went back on medicine to control the endometriosis and ultimately had two more laparoscopies to have the scar tissue and endometriosis removed. I continued to have problems. We had talked about having more kids but it really never became a priority for us, and in fact had been talking at that time about being happy with one child. Then the news, hysterectomy... I wanted a hysterectomy, I knew I would feel so much better, however I could not have it without really trying for one more child. I felt very blessed to have my son, and if I had no more children, I would have excepted that as Gods will, however I could not have the hysterectomy without trying. I never wanted to wonder what if? So my husband and I immediately went to the fertility clinic. He and I agreed we would do four rounds of IUI, but if they didn't work, we weren't doing IVF. I would have the hysterectomy. On May 26, 2010 we started the process and on June 20, 2010, which happen to be my birthday and father's day, we had a positive pregnancy test! Two days later a blood test confirmed we were expecting! February 11, 2011 our miracle daughter Baby J was born! We are so blessed.
   Six weeks later I had a full hysterectomy and gallbladder removal. Blessed beyond belief I am having to adjust to having a baby and menopause all at the same time! The hot flashes are insane. My husband is freezing and I am stripping in front of a box fan, it's crazy! This mom with it all is trying to balance work, motherhood, wife and life in between hormonal outbreaks and hot flashes! It's not easy, but know that it is a small price to pay to be healthy and have the ability to be the best mom and wife I can be!

Grounded Big B means no fun for me!

   The last three weeks with Big B have been difficult. What I am about to blog about I am sure is normal and everyone has been through it, however it is my first time and I am frustrated. He is 5 1/2 and 95% of the time he is a great kid. Well mannered, very thoughtful and typically if I ask him to do something he is pretty quick to get on to it, but not lately. If I say stop, he goes, if I say up, he goes down. It seems like out right defiance. Everyone says this is normal, that he is just pushing boundaries, but I don't like it.
   This week at school they had a field trip to Disney on Ice. He disobeyed his teacher, aggravated his fellow classmates and was the ring leader in a bathroom incident that out right defied what the teacher had asked him to do. This was the third field trip in four months that he was horrible! At school he will not stay on his cot at nap time, bothering his classmates and in one incident chipping paint off the wall.
   Daddy and I have discussed many different methods of how to handle the situation. Grounding him from his ipod, wii and playstation first. This only affected him about a day. Taking away toys and playdates. Still no reaction. This week he was grounded from all electronics for 2 days and he had to miss Eggstravaganza at church. I was so disappointed! I really wanted to attend this event, but we couldn't go because he was grounded. I want to scream "I did my time already, now I'm grown, why do I not get to have fun because he was bad?", but I know at the end of the day its the right thing to do. We must stand united as parents in disciplining our children and although I was really disappointed I didn't get to go, it made a bigger statement to Big B that what mommy and daddy say, goes.
   Of course he will not see the light at 5 1/2 because he didn't get to go to Eggstravaganza, and probably won't remember that this event even occurred in a few days, however the short term impact is just as important. Today we were all sad because we had to miss this event, but we are one step closer to insuring that our son learns that there are consequences for his actions. Being a mom with it all is hard work, but worth it, even when I have to miss out!

A Stormy Night and God

    Thursday night we had storms come through Arkansas. They were very intense creating straight line winds and tornados. Ultimately, in Arkansas, 3 children and 4 adults perished. In two of the cases the children perished with a parent.  The parent had gone to comfort them through the storm and a tree fell on their house. I wonder if those people knew Jesus and where prepared to be called home.

    I mention this above because on April 10, 2011 my husband and I dedicated our children. We are Assembly of God and attend the most wonderful church. As a member of the Assemblies of God we do not baptize our children, we dedicate them. Dedicating a child acknowledges God's sovereignty not only over the child, but also Mom and Dad. Parents present their child before God and His people asking for grace and wisdom in carrying out their responsibilities. Parents also come praying that their child might one day trust Jesus Christ as Savior for the forgiveness of sin.

    Big B is 5 1/2 and I often wonder if he understands what church is all about. Why we are there and what it means to worship God. After the storms had passed, we all laid in our bed and he told us that God never sleeps, he was causing the storms, and because he never sleeps he is always protecting us. He then asked daddy to pray for us. Daddy prayed, thanking God that he had protected us and kept us safe during the storm. I was taken aback at first that of all going on in the moment, that was what he was thinking, and then I was extremely proud. He is so little, yet he is so aware and I love the way he absorbs, and process the things he learns.

    I have an amazing life, an amazing family, and an amazing church family. They are helping my husband and I teach our children about God, and without all of them, it would be difficult to insure that the promise we made to God on April 10th can be fulfilled.

Baby Feet to Soccer Feet

   As I sat with my 8 week old baby girl tonight watching my 5 1/2 year old baby boy play soccer I couldn't help to be a little sadden at how fast he has grown. I know the word on the street is "they grow so fast" but you do not truly understand what it means until you are there.
   I feel like I have been through so much to get my babies... they were both fertility babies as I explained in my last post. When I was pregnant with Big B I developed preeclampsia. I was very sick and they took him via c section at 36 weeks. He weighed 4 lb 14oz. He struggled with everything in the beginning and had to be sent to Arkansas Children's Hospital after developing a pneumothorax. I didn't get to hold him until he was 7 days old. He came home at three weeks old, my little miracle baby, and although he had some lingering effects of being premature, he flourished! He was so tiny, loved to observe everything and loved to be held. I miss those days. Now he is running around a soccer field and I often hear "I can do it myself mom"! He is so big, yet still so small. I want to protect him from everything!
   Like all moms I have fears. My two biggest fears is that he will be taken or he will choke on something. I am not sure why those are my worst. I do know that I freak out when his bites are too big and tend to try and cut them up... I am now being told "I am a big boy and corn dogs come on a stick for a reason, quit cutting them please".. at least he is polite about it, and I guess he does have a point. I do not allow my children to have hard candy, at all and I don't like him chewing ice, although thats a hard one, especially when I hand him a drink from sonic while I am driving. I have to trust at some point that I have taught him well and he will be careful. He is 5 1/2 but still my baby.
  I love my children, I love my life. Is it perfect, not hardly. I hope this blog finds other mothers and wives out there that understand how I feel at the end of the day when I am angry the hubby hasn't picked up his dirty clothes or helped put the kids to bed.. or the kids won't stay in bed after being put there... My shirt smells of formula from spit up and I smell because I forgot to take a shower because there just wasn't time... but ultimately as I lay my head down at night I feel very blessed to be a Mom With It All!

A look Back...

  In order for me to blog about my life today, I need to give you a quick look back on my life then. My husband and I met almost 10 years ago on Match.com. Yes it works! and now they should give me a royalty for mentioning that! He is 9 years older, however you would never know it.. I had endometriosis really bad and two years in to our relationship I was told if I wanted kids I needed to start trying now. Two years later, months and months of fertility drugs, 2 failed rounds of IUI and a successful round, we found out we were expecting Big B so we decided to get married. That was May 14, 2005. Big B was born November 15, 2005. He was born 1 year to the day after Daddy D's dad passed away as well as this is my mothers birthday. It was a great day.

While I was pregnant we moved from Fayetteville, where I had graduated from the U of A (on my wedding day; walked that morning got married that night) to North Little Rock where Daddy D is from. All of our family lives in central Arkansas so it seemed like the right next move. We have been here ever since and I am glad we made the decision. 

  The endometriosis continued to get worse. I had three laparoscopies to try and relieve some of the pain, but nothing helped. In April, 2010 I had an abnormal pap smear. It turned out to not be anything to worry about, however my Dr. strongly suggested I have a hysterectomy, I was 30 years old. I called my husband that day and told him I did not want a hysterectomy without trying for another baby first. We immediately went to the fertility clinic and within the month we were pregnant! It was a miracle.. Success on the first IUI round this time! Baby J was born February 11, 2011. I now have the All American family, a boy and a girl, with a great husband.

  Now know that there are a lot of details left out that I plan on incorporating in future blogs. A little glimpse into the past to make the future make sense. Plus, there are a lot of details and I would run out of my character allotment!

  Until the next post, I am very blessed to be a Mom With It All! Good Night!

Hello World!

Hello World!
  My name is Jay and I am new to this whole blogging thing, but have read blogs that my friends have started and found not only how interesting they are but how theraputic they seem to be for them, so thought I would give it a whirl. I am a work at home mom of a 7 week old baby girl, Baby J, and a 5 1/2 year old boy, Big B, and a wife to Daddy D. My days consist of balancing motherhood with career. I can honestly say I am a mom with it all!
  Just because I  feel like I am a mom with it all doesn't mean life is easy or I don't want for things. My definition of all and yours may be polar opposite. I am not rich or famous. I am not tall or skinny. I am average in many many ways... but at the end of the day there are two people who think I am awesome and love me unconditionally, Baby J and Big B, and that makes me a Mom With It All!
  I hope you follow me on my journey as I blog about the good, the bad and the ugly of my life. I look forward to your  comments and getting to know you!